I’m tired.
No, scratch that. I’m downright exhausted. Lately, no amount of sleep feels like enough. Last night I had 10 hours. I still can barely function.
Some of you may remember when I was leaving CS. (Oh, and this one too.)
It was painful, mostly because I was leaving behind four years of memories, and would have to continue in “the D” without my best friends. I was miserable.
And now, six months later, repeat my earlier circumstances ad nauseum. I’m tired, and I still have more studying to do… I need more bloody hours to fit into a day, while I simultaneously lament the length of a day in the life of JR. It’s such a catch-22.
Aside from the fact that if I don’t study, I won’t pass and therefore won’t graduate, anticipation mixed with a unique brand of nervousness is also keeping me awake. For years I’ve been so anxious to get to this phase in my life; done with college, exams, stress. I’ve fixated so much on becoming without all those things that I’m not quite sure what to do with all the spare time I’ll have on my hands.
Stressing out about my math class takes up an inordinate amount of space in my brain, and is likely why I sought a doctor about heart palpitations two summers ago. Every day I float through an awful series of “is this due?”; “is this due?”; “did I get this right?”
It’s beginning to tax my nerves.
I’m looking forward to apathy… maybe if I’m lucky I’ll form some dissociative complex, hide myself away for a year and actually finish that novel.
Probably not.
I’ll probably just find the next big thing to stress about. And another excuse for not getting enough sleep.
Right now, I’m sitting in my dining room, covered up in one of my favorite quilts and listening to the portable Black & Decker heater roar. Mmm… cozy. Except for the math that needs to be studied. Not quite as fun as oh, say… reruns of Will and Grace. Definitely not.
Even though my bed is just up 16 stairs and down the hall, I refuse to leave this room until all that math review is done. Funny, because I mostly ignore the fact that we even have a dining room, much less occupy it for the span of an entire 24 hours. I also do not habitually eat Maggiano’s leftovers straight from the heated foil take-home box with a can of Red Bull as an accompaniment. There are a lot of things I don’t usually do that are being done tonight.
I typically cave in to my overwhelming need for sleep and crash around thirty minutes ago. I do not contemplate making a tuna salad sandwich at 2am, and I do not (except when Katie’s here) lament the fact that Sonic, my caffeine factory, closes at 12. But such things are necessary tonight, because tonight is the last night before my math final.
So wish me luck, all of you who will read this in the morning. I hope you have a wonderful day. Your prayers for my success on my math test and improved cognitive function do not go unappreciated, I promise you.
